Ruth Corley: Good morning, Dr. Hartley. Thank you for coming. I hope it’s not too early for you.

Bob: No, I had to get up to be on television.

Ruth Corley: Well, I’m glad you’re relaxed. I’m a little nervous myself, I mean, I’ve never interviewed a psychologist.

Bob: Don’t worry about it. We’re ordinary men you know: one leg at a time.

Ruth Corley: Well, if I start to ramble a little or if I get into an area I’m not too conversant with, you’ll help me out, won’t you?

Bob: Don’t worry about it. If you get into trouble, just turn it over to me and I’ll wing it.

Augie: Ten-seconds, Ruth.

Ruth Corley: Thanks, Augie.

Bob: You’ll be fine.

Ruth Corley: Here goes.

Augie: Three, two . . . you’re on.

Ruth Corley: Good morning. It’s 7 o’clock, and I am Ruth Corley. My first guest is psychologist, Dr. Robert Hartley. It’s been said that today’s psychologist is nothing more than a con man; a snake oil salesman, flim-flamming innocent people, peddling cures for everything from nail bites to a lousy love life . . . and I agree. We will ask Dr. Hartley to defend himself after this message.

Bob: Was that on the air?

Ruth Corley: Oh, that’s just what we call a grabber. You know, it keeps the audience from tuning out.

Augie: Ten seconds, Ruth.

Ruth Corley: Thanks, Augie.

Bob: We won’t be doing anymore grabbing will we?

Ruth Corley: No, no. From now on we’ll just talk.

Augie: Three, two . . . you’re on.

Ruth Corley: Dr. Hartley, according to a recently published survey, the average fee for a private session with a psychologist is . . . $40!

Bob: That’s about right.

Ruth Corley: Right? I don’t think it’s right! What other practitioner gets $40 an hour?

Bob: Um . . . m-my plumber.

Ruth Corley: Plumbers guarantee their work, do you?

Bob: [Quietly to Ruth Corley] See, I don’t understand why all of the sudden . . .

Ruth Corley: I asked you if you guaranteed your work.

Bob: Well, I can’t guarantee each and every person that walks through the door is going to be cured.

Ruth Corley: You mean you ask $40 an hour and you guarantee nothing?

Bob: Um, I, I, I validate.

Ruth Corley: Is that your answer?

Bob: [To Ruth Corley] Um . . . c-could . . . can I have a word with you?

Ruth Corley: Chicago is waiting for your answer!

Bob: Well, um, Chicago . . . everyone that comes in doesn’t pay $40 an hour.

Ruth Corley: Do you ever cure anybody?

Bob: Well, I wouldn’t say cure.

Ruth Corley: So your answer is “no.”

Bob: No, no . . . my answer is not “no.” I get results. Many of my patients solve their problems and go on to become successful.

Ruth Corley: Successful at what?

Bob: Professional athletes, clergyman, some go on to head large corporations. One of my patients is an elected official.

Ruth Corley: A what?!

Bob: Nothing, nothing.

Ruth Corley: Did you say an elected official?!

Bob: I might have, I forget.

Ruth Corley: Who is it?!

Bob: Well, I can’t divulge his identity.

Ruth Corley: Why?! There is a deranged man out there in a position of power!

Bob: He isn’t deranged . . . um . . . anymore.

Ruth Corley: But he was when he came to see you, and you said yourself that you do not give guarantees.

Bob: Um . . .

Ruth Corley: After this message we will meet our choice for Woman of the Year, Sister Mary Catherine.

Augie: Okay, we’re into commercial.

Bob: Thanks, Augie.

Ruth Corley: Thank you, Dr Hartley. You were terrific. I mean, I wish we had more time.

Bob: We had plenty.

Ruth Corley: Well, I really enjoyed it.

Bob: You would have enjoyed Pearl Harbor.

Ruth Corley: Good morning, Sister. It’s wonderful of you to come at this hour.

Bob: [To Sister Catherine] If I were you I wouldn’t get into religion, she’ll chew your legs off.